Bittersweet
by esama
Summary: In the end Atemu chooses to remain on earth with Yugi. It's a choise he and Yugi come to regret, as Atemu's new life doesn't turn out the way they wanted. Yugi x Atemu, Character's death


**Bittersweet**

Yugi woke up slowly to the usual five sensations he felt in the mornings these days. First was the feeling of warmth of another body near by. Second was the sound of breathing, slow and steady coming from not a foot away from him. He smelled the other too, the other's shampoo and soap and all the personal scents which made him his own person. As he opened his eyes he saw the other who was peacefully sleeping by his side, face restful. And finally with a smile he reached forward and claimed the fifth sensation with a gentle kiss.

Atemu didn't wake up, though. Of that Yugi was glad as he relaxed on the bed and just watched the other. This was actually his most enjoyable moment of the entire day. The moment he could just watch Atemu as the former spirit slept peacefully at his side, untouched by the pain and weakness which would assault him the moment they would leave the bed. No, they would strike the moment Atemu would wake up, and sometimes Yugi couldn't help but wish that Atemu could sleep for a hundred years like sleeping beauty - a hundred years untouched by the pain. But then again, if Atemu would sleep for hundred years, Yugi would never have the pleasure of hearing his voice, seeing his eyes, his smile.

With a sad smile, Yugi reached his hand out to brush a stray lock of hair from his other's face. Not for the first time he found himself regretting. Atemu could've passed on to the other side, could've returned to the people who had known him when he had been alive. But instead Atemu had stayed… and things had turned out the way they had. It had been foolish of them to believe that it would be nice and pleasant, that Atemu could've been like just any other person… foolish of them to wish for perfection.

And Yugi felt guilty because of it. Atemu never said it, but right now his life wasn't anywhere near a happy one. Everything was so difficult and so painful, and no matter what Yugi tried he couldn't help enough. He should've just let Atemu pass on when his time had come, but instead… instead he had been selfish and greedy.

'I wonder, do you blame me?' Yugi thought silently to his other self, stroking his hand carefully through Atemu's hair. 'In some corner of your mind do you feel bitter and hate me? I know I would… blame me that is. I could never blame you though…'

"Aibou…" the other murmured drowsily and opened his eyes.

"Hey. Good morning," Yugi smiled at the sleepy look about Atemu eyes, continuing to stroke his hair. "Did you sleep well?" He wanted to lengthen the question but couldn't. He didn't want to make his other self feel any weaker than he was, but in his mind the constant worry still echoed. 'Do you feel any pain, was your position comfortable, how does your skin feel, can you feel all your limbs, is anything numb?'

"Hmm…"Atemu smiled, leaning his cheek to Yugi's hand. "Yes… I slept well."

Yugi's smile widened as he stifled the sigh of relief. He continued to play with the other's hair, wanting to keep him distracted for as long as he could, even though he knew that the reality had a habit of besieging Atemu's mind early on. And it did this morning as well. The look of slightly defiance came to Atemu's face as the covers shifted. The former spirit brought his hand slowly out from the confines of the sheets and reached to touch Yugi's face.

Closing his eyes the smaller one tried to push away the thought of how Atemu's hand shook. The touch was so impossibly light… for a moment he could fool himself into thinking that Atemu was just being careful. But he knew better. The touch was gentle because… because Atemu couldn't make it any stronger.

"I don't want to get out of this bed," Atemu whispered. His hand started to already fall, so Yugi quickly took it in his hand to steady it.

"Me neither," the smaller one smiled sadly and opened his eyes. Atemu was looking at him with desperate eyes and a gentle smile. The moment was so quiet and soft but at the same time it broke Yugi's heart because he knew it couldn't last long. It was all so bittersweet - everything in their lives seemed to be bittersweet.

Shifting closer carefully, Yugi tried of offer his body warmth to his other self in a way of anchoring Atemu here for a moment, into this moment of slight comfort. Oh how he wished that the pain could've been forgotten and left behind, but… that was something neither of them could do.

"I love you," Yugi murmured against the other's shoulder, laying gentle kisses to the fabric covered shoulder. "I love you," he murmured again, kissing the hand in his gently. "I love you…"

Atemu sighed, closing his eyes. "I love you too, Yugi…" he murmured and for a moment they were quiet and still, enjoying their faked comfort. Then Atemu shifted just slightly and made an uncomfortable noise. "I think I need to go to the toilet," he murmured with heavy sigh.

Yugi was a still for a moment before smiling. "Alright," he spoke softly and untangled himself of the covers. Swallowing his bitter feelings, he walked to the corner of the room, taking hold of the handles of the wheelchair and quickly pushing it beside the bed. Then he carefully uncovered Atemu's near immovable body, gathering the still, pyjama clad form gently into his arms and settling him down in the chair. Trying to be as gentle as possible, and ignoring how unresponsive Atemu was, Yugi made sure that he was sitting comfortably in the chair. Atemu's eyes were hidden underneath his bangs but Yugi had a good idea what kind of emotion they were showing.

Laying a kiss to Atemu's head, Yugi took hold of the handles again before turning the wheelchair towards the door. Then he pushed Atemu through the corridor and to the bathroom. "Would you like a bath too?" he asked, trying to make the question as casual and nonchalant as possible - as if was something perfectly normal. "I could run the water…" and bathe you, but the latter part was left unsaid.

"No, it's alright," Atemu murmured, glancing at the toilet bowl. "Just…" apparently Atemu wasn't going to say it aloud. Too ashamed of needing help with something like it perhaps.

"Alright," Yugi just said, not pushing it whilst he begun to help Atemu to the toilet. In the beginning he had been as embarrassed as his other self about it but he had gotten adjusted to it and it no longer bothered him. It was just a natural thing that was part of their every day life, nothing more than that. To Atemu it was probably one of many sore spots of his current life.

After Atemu had relieved his bladder, Yugi helped him back to the chair. Together they brushed their teeth and washed their faces - well, Yugi did it for both of them as Atemu could barely move his hands - before leaving the bathroom. Yugi pushed the wheelchair to the kitchen where he begun making them some breakfast while Atemu gazed out of the kitchen window.

Hearing the other's heavy sigh, Yugi bowed his head. 'The Gods are cruel', he mused to himself sadly while taking out the frying pan to fry them some eggs. 'After all Atemu has done for this world, all the battles and all the sacrifices… they give him a body like that one. A body he can barely even use… a body which is weak and so prone to pain…'

Yugi turned the stove on and took out the eggs and other things they were going to eat - lots of vegetables because Atemu really needed his vitamins. 'I should've let him go,' he thought, glancing at Atemu over his shoulder. The former spirit was lost in thought, staring out of the window. 'He wouldn't have to suffer through this if I had just let him go. He could be on the other side right now instead of being here with me, pained, weak and - no matter how he tries to hide it - unhappy.'

Once the breakfast was done, Yugi served it for them before pushing Atemu's wheelchair to the table. "What do you want to do today?" He asked while sitting down beside his other self. Atemu rarely had enough strength in his hands to even be able to feed himself so Yugi had gotten adjusted to feeding him.

"I don't know," Atemu murmured while Yugi took some food before carefully feeding it to him. There was a hint of bitterness in the smile Atemu offered as thanks. "I'd rather stay home. Going outside is…" the former spirit trailed away.

Yugi nodded. Part of him wanted to say that Atemu was running away from the problem by hiding inside all day, but bigger part of him knew better. It was not only humiliating for Atemu to go outside like he was, completely and utterly dependant on Yugi, but it was also dangerous. Atemu got sick so easily and the smallest bumps caused painful bruises. Yugi wasn't all that eager to go outside either, accidents happened too easily and nothing hurt more than seeing Atemu bruised.

To soothe the painful silence away, Yugi began to hum quietly while feeding Atemu and himself one bite at a time. Atemu smiled to him and relaxed a bit in the chair. The atmosphere turned almost pleasant, but like every moment of happiness these days, it was bittersweet.

"We could play some games" Yugi mused out loud. "Or watch the television… or maybe read…"

"I'd like to read," Atemu said.

Yugi nodded, understanding. Reading usually took most of the mind's attention and needed very little physical activity, so for Atemu it was the easiest escape from reality. "I need to work on some school stuff too," he murmured while gathering the last bits of food from Atemu's plate and feeding them to the former spirit. "I can do that while you read."

Atemu glanced at him strangely whilst nodding. Even thought the mind link had long since faded, Yugi could easily tell what the other was thinking. Something along the lines of Yugi pushing his life aside for Atemu. These days Yugi didn't go to school anymore because he needed to take care of Atemu. He was going to finish his schooling though - it had been arranged so that he could do it even though he never left Atemu's side and rarely visited the school building. Usually his friends brought him the school work and he studied at home. Yugi didn't consider the lack of school as a loss though. Like this he could sleep as long as he wished and spend all day with the person most dearest to him.

Once they had finished their breakfast, Yugi quickly washed the dishes before taking Atemu back to their bedroom. After helping the former spirit select a book, he gently tugged a quilt around the former spirit - Atemu got cold very easily - before turning to get his school work. Then, in more or less comfortable silence, they proceeded to spend their morning.

By noon Atemu started to dose in his chair. With a sigh Yugi stood up from his desk and gently took the half finished book from his partner's hands. "To the bed with you," he murmured with a gentle smile as Atemu looked up to him tiredly

"Aibou… I'm sorry," Atemu murmured as he pushed the chair near the bed. "I'm sorry for… for being weak. I didn't mean to do this to you, I didn't mean to… to force you to take care of me like this. To be a burden…"

"Shh, don't be silly, you're not a burden," Yugi murmured, kissing Atemu's forehead while taking off the quilt so that he could gather Atemu into his arms. "It's not your fault that you're like this. And I love you, of course I will take care of you. I will take care of you as long as there's any breath left in me." Carefully tugging the too light body in his arms, he lifted Atemu to the bed before carefully situating Atemu's body into as comfortable position as possible. "You would do the same for me."

"I would," Atemu admitted with sad smile while Yugi gently tugged the covers over his form. "A thousand times over."

'Neither of us would need to… if I had just let you go,' Yugi thought sadly while running his hand through the other's hair. "Go to sleep," he whispered, letting the gentle touch lull tired Atemu into sleep. Once the other's face had relaxed and his breathing had turned normal, Yugi sighed heavily.

'I wish there was something I could do to make it better,' he thought, leaning down to kiss Atemu's brow before withdrawing. 'I wish that I had some kind of power to make you stronger, to help you stand on your two feet… I wish I could take the pain and the weakness away…'

Standing up he quickly he shook his head, trying to push his thoughts away before he would start crying. He had been doing that enough these days anyway. Walking to the calendar hanging on the wall near the door, he glanced through it. 'Grandpa won't be back for another four days from that trip of his… hmm… which means that today or tomorrow we need to visit the grocery store.'

Yugi glanced at the sleeping form sadly. 'We'll go tomorrow, Atemu seems like he's more tired than usual today…' He sighed and brushed away the stray tear trying to travel down his cheek. Shaking his head again, he returned to his school work and tried to distract himself from the bitterness.

-

Atemu woke up slowly, feeling no more rested than he had felt when he had gone to sleep. His body was heavy, so… powerless as he slowly descended from wherever he had been while he'd been sleeping. It was still useless, still weak, still so sensitive. Even now he felt like the slightest folds of the sheets underneath him were driving into the over sensitive skin.

'I guess I'm still not waking up from this horrible dream,' he thought to himself tiredly, forcing back a bitter smile. Each time he went to sleep he wished that he could wake up to the world of before. To the times when he had been just a spirit in the back of Yugi's mind. To the times when sunlight hadn't seemed so colourless. He didn't dare to dream of a healthy body though. He already knew that he would never have one.

Stifling the sigh of tired resignation, Atemu glanced around to see if Yugi was near by like he usually was. His kind, caring Aibou, always there to take care of his weak, withering flesh, always there to see into his needs. Even now Yugi was there, humming quietly while sitting at the desk, writing something in one of his school notebooks. As the petite one was so concentrated onto the writing, Atemu decided not to distract him. Instead the former spirit glanced at the clock in the bedside table.

'If things were different you would probably be leaving school with your friends right now, Aibou,' Atemu mused with a smile as he remembered the way things used to be. 'You would maybe go to get something to eat or maybe head for the arcade… if things were different. But instead… you're here, cooped inside because of me…'

Gazing at the other's face with tired eyes, Atemu remembered. Time before that choice, the one which led to this moment… he remembered how happy Yugi had been. Sure, there had been the occasional bouts of sadness and anger here and there, but Yugi had been generally happy. His eyes had been wide and bright with constant joy… but now his eyelids seemed heavy and the light in his eyes was dull and morose.

Though his body was a very sore spot for him and one of the reasons why he wanted to go back to the way things had been before… the primary reason was Yugi. He wanted his Aibou to be innocently happy again. He wanted to hear him laugh without the weight which had settled over their hearts. He wanted to hear and say the words "I love you" and know that they weren't the dam holding back the bitter tears.

He wanted to wake up without knowing that Yugi had been no doubt crying while he had been sleeping. Or that Yugi would've been crying for different reasons. It would've made him feel so much better if Yugi had been crying for the lost happiness, the lost freedom, the lost days of brighter light… but he knew better. Yugi cried for him, for his pain and for his weakness, for the lost pride.

'We're circling down in this pit of grief. Gods how I wish things could be different,' Atemu sighed closing his eyes. 'I can't even comfort Yugi, my hands are too weak to hold him, to even reach him. And what comfort would my words offer when they are heavy and so tired…?'

"Atemu?" Yugi's soft voice interrupted his thoughts. Atemu opened his eyes to see his partner standing up and walking to him. His Aibou hadn't apparently bothered changing out of his pyjamas while he had been sleeping. "Hey…" Yugi smiled down to him before kneeling beside the bed. Immediately a gentle hand reached for Atemu's hair and stroked through it. "Did you sleep well?"

Atemu smiled leaning his head to the touch. "Yes, I did," he assured. 'I guess I slept well but I didn't wake up that way. It feels like each time I wake up I'm little bit more tired than before…'

Yugi smiled back to him, reaching to kiss his forehead before leaning his head to his palm and just watching him, still gently stroking his hair. Atemu looked back to him, studying his eyes and remembering a time when they had been warmer. 'Even when you smile your eyes are so sad, Aibou… because of me. This isn't the way things should be, this isn't how it was supposed to turn out…'

"Are you hungry?" Yugi asked. "I was thinking that we could eat something, then take a nice warm bath."

"Yeah, bath sounds nice," Atemu answered. 'It makes my skin feel weird and makes me feel even weaker than I usually do, but in the same time I suppose it also feels a little better… little warmer,' Atemu thought to himself but didn't let the thought out.

Yugi smiled, reaching to kiss his forehead again before standing up and starting to remove the bed covers. "Let's get you to the chair so that we can go to the kitchen," Yugi murmured. Atemu just nodded and stayed still as Yugi carefully gathered him up from the bed.

'Months ago this kind of feat from you would've amazed me,' Atemu thought without wanting to word the thought. 'Months ago I would've been shocked to see you lift another's body so easily… but you do it so often these days that you have started growing stronger physically. I don't know why… but that thought makes me sad.'

Yugi situated him into a comfortable position in the chair, making sure that Atemu's head was comfortably resting against the precisely shaped back rest - making sure that his head wouldn't slip if the neck muscles gave out like they often did. The chair was comfortable, it had amazed Atemu when he had first been introduced to it… but he still hated it like he had never hated an item. It seemed like the symbol of his current state.

Humming as if to try and soothe his dark thoughts away, Yugi directed the chair to the door, through the corridor and into the kitchen. Like always Yugi pushed Atemu near the window so that former spirit had something interesting to look at while he prepared the dinner. Sometimes Atemu wondered if he should ask Yugi to just leave him by the table. These days looking outside just made him feel worse.

Now too. The moment he looked outside, he saw people walking down the street. Group of teenagers, elderly couple, pair of children holding a ball… walking, running, moving freely in ways he couldn't. They looked so casual and carefree, never paying much mind to the way they moved, taking it for granted. Just like Atemu had taken it for granted. Even when he had just been a spirit sharing Yugi's body he had taken it for granted.

'Maybe this is some sort of punishment for my pride,' he mused to himself. 'Always so proud of myself, so sure about my power, so casual about it all. I never thought that it could be taken away from me, even as a spirit I took it all for granted… I never valued what I had. I just wanted more. Wanted a body of my own, never thinking that it could be like this.'

Atemu stifled a heavy sigh - he didn't want to make Yugi aware of his thoughts. Instead he just closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the warmth of the sunlight against his skin and forget the people outside. It was difficult when the sounds of children laughing outside bled in through the window. He was rather relieved when Yugi finished making the food and took him to the table - and then another form of bitterness assaulted him.

'I can't even lift a spoon,' he thought as Yugi began feeding the vegetable soup to him. 'I need to be fed as if I were nothing but a baby. Pitiful. And our friends actually wonder why I don't want to eat outside, why we don't visit Yugi's favourite burger joint anymore. It's humiliating enough here, but out there where other people can see…'

'I'm pathetic,' Atemu thought bitterly. 'Not just because I'm weak but because I'm constantly letting it get to me. I'm supposed to be stronger than this, I shouldn't… wallow in it. I should over come it. Things could be worse than this, I could be dead, on the other side. Even though I'm weak and tired all the time, at least I'm still with Yugi. Anything else would be so much worse… When did I turn out this pathetic?'

He tried to smile his thanks to Yugi while tiredly chewing the food Yugi had fed to him. 'It's no wonder Kaiba has no interest in either of us anymore. Like this neither of us is much of a opponent for him.'

"Is it good?" Yugi asked while gathering some food to his spoon.

"Hmm…" Atemu swallowed. "It's delicious." It wasn't actually. It was rather average, but he wasn't going to say that. Yugi put an effort into making food and had been getting better since he had started cooking. The food was whole lot better than it had been in the beginning.

"Hmm, not really," Yugi snorted after swallowing. "I'll get better at cooking, I promise."

"I know you will," Atemu smiled. If Yugi put his mind into it, he could become good at anything he wanted. Just like with games, he practiced them until he mastered them. 'I should take his mindset with this. This… handicap of mine can be overcame just as everything can be. I think anyway…'

They finished their dinner soon enough after which Yugi quickly washed the dishes. When he was done with that, he returned to Atemu and began pushing the wheelchair out of the kitchen and towards the bathroom. There Yugi quickly started to run the water into the bathtub - carefully making sure that it was just the right temperature. After that Atemu had the privilege of watching Yugi quickly strip - for safety reasons they always took baths together, it was the easiest way for Yugi to wash him anyway.

'The first time we did this… I'm not sure which one of us was more embarrassed,' Atemu smiled a little as Yugi pushed his pyjamas into the laundry basket before turning to him. 'It's not easy now either…' the former spirit frowned a little as Yugi turned to him and unbuttoned his pyjama top. In comparison to Yugi's now just slightly muscular form, he was so… thin and bony. He closed his eyes and pushed the thought of the differences between their physiques away. 'It shouldn't matter as much as it does.'

Yugi begun humming again. He always did when the silence got too awkward. With practiced motions, Yugi eased Atemu out of his pyjama pants and boxers, before gently gathering his bare form into his arms. Atemu shivered slightly, feeling even weaker than before as Yugi stepped into the tub and sat down, situating Atemu to sit between his legs and lean his back against his chest. The water was still running, as the water only reached the middle.

Gently Yugi directed Atemu's head so that it was resting against his shoulder comfortably. Atemu closed his eyes, enjoying the closeness and the warmth of the water surrounding his useless feet. "Can we just soak for a moment?" he asked quietly.

"Of course," Yugi answered with a smile. Once the water reached their shoulders, Yugi halted the water's pour. Then he relaxed against the tub's edge, his arms loosely warped around Atemu.

'When did we turn this quiet?' Atemu wondered while relaxing as well. He could feel Yugi's heartbeat and each breath against his back, and the feeling was strangely assuring. 'I think we used to be more talkative, used to chat about everything and anything. Now days we're so quiet… is there really nothing we need to say, have we really said everything we've meant to? Or… are we just avoiding so many subjects that nothing's left to talk about?'

Yugi begun humming again as if to answer to his question. Slightly saddened by the answer, Atemu opened his eyes and stared at the water for a moment. Then he turned his head just a little so that his cheek came to rest against Yugi's neck. The slight vibration caused by the sound was almost comforting, and as if feeling his mood, Yugi tightened his hold on him a little.

"Are you alright?" Yugi asked quietly after a while. "You're quiet."

"I'm sorry," Atemu mumbled, closing his eyes. "I'm just thinking." He sighed, nuzzling against Yugi's neck - as much as he could anyway. "This is nice."

"Yeah, it is," Yugi murmured back with warmth in his tone. For a long while they just sat there and enjoyed the moment… but like everything, it eventually was broken. "Shall we start washing?" Yugi asked quietly. "The water will start getting cold soon…"

'And if it gets too cool, it starts being dangerous for me,' Atemu read between the lines. "Yeah," he nodded weakly and then watched how Yugi reached for the shampoo, soap and the wash cloth. He kept his eyes closed as Yugi begun carefully washing his hair. 'I hate being this weak. Every little thing can be dangerous for me now and I hate it… hate getting sick so easily.'

Yugi was, like he always was, very careful while washing him. These days Yugi didn't seem to bother with modesty as he rubbed the soap against the wash cloth and began to then gently rub the cloth against Atemu's skin in circle motions. Shoulders and arms, raising each hand out of the water and washing it thoroughly before lowering it back in. Down the chest, the sides of Atemu's torso, down the stomach. Atemu sighed and kept his eyes closed as Yugi discarded the cloth to gently - thoroughly - wash the area between his legs.

'I'm supposed to feel it. It's supposed to feel good… I feel his touch but it doesn't excite me…' he thought bitterly. 'The Gods are cruel. They knew that I wanted to stay because of my love for Yugi… and didn't give me the ability to love him physically. Not that I could like this, even if I could feel pleasure…'

Urging Atemu's knees to bend so that he could reach them Yugi continued washing him. Pushing the previous thoughts aside, Atemu smiled a little as Yugi even washed between his toes. It was a little strange to know that Yugi had touched every inch of him when he himself hadn't - Yugi probably knew his body better than he did.

"Okay, I need wash your back now," Yugi murmured. Atemu nodded weakly and tried not to shiver as Yugi pushed him forward a little so that he wasn't resting against his Aibou's chest anymore. Yugi kept one of his arms wrapped around Atemu to support him while the other rubbed the wash cloth over Atemu's back. The former spirit could feel that Yugi did it as quickly as he could so that he could pull him against his chest again - as he soon did.

After washing the last place left - Atemu's ears - Yugi pulled the plug of the tub and took the hose. While the water of the tub begun circling to the drain, Yugi begun carefully rinsing the shampoo of Atemu's hair. Once the hair was clean, he washed the soap off from Atemu's body. "I think we're done now…" Yugi murmured. He hadn't washed but it didn't matter. Atemu knew that Yugi bathed when he was asleep.

After all of the water had drained out, Yugi reached for a towel and begun gently drying Atemu who could only be still and let Yugi do it. He was starting to get cold now that the water had drained and the sensation made him frown a bit. 'It's warm in here, I know it is. The bathroom is the warmest room in the house, but… I'm getting cold in here. And so soon after a bath?' He glanced at Yugi who seemed to have noticed it too. Yugi glanced at him worriedly but didn't say anything… just started to hum.

Atemu looked away and let the frown go. 'Another thing to not think or talk about hmm?'

Wrapping the towel loosely around Atemu, Yugi picked him up and slowly stepped out of the bath tub. Instead of placing Atemu to the chair, though, Yugi carried him out of the bathroom. "I forgot to get clean clothing ready for you," Yugi explained to Atemu's confused look as they came to the bedroom. There Yugi gently laid him down to the bed before walking to the closet to get clean clothing for both of them.

'I think he just wants to put me to bed again,' Atemu mused, closing his eyes. 'Not a bad idea, though… I am feeling a bit tired and I really hate that chair…' he opened his eyes as Yugi walked back to him, now dressed to sleeveless black shirt and pair of black boxers. In his hand Yugi had pyjama set. Atemu tried not to frown at the idea that he mostly wore pyjamas these days. He hadn't worn leather in months and Yugi didn't even let him wear their former accessories - not wrist bands and no collars and most definitely no metal.

'Though that does make sense. Soft flannel is less likely to disagree with my skin. Too tight or rough clothing might not agree with my current sensitivity,' Atemu thought as Yugi sat to the bed's edge and began helping Atemu into a pair of boxers. 'And metal accessories turn cold too easily. Not to mention they're heavy… and looking good doesn't really matter that much for a cripple like me.'

After pulling the pyjama pants on him, Yugi gently helped him into a sitting position so that he could put the pyjama top on Atemu. Before Yugi could lay him down again, Atemu pushed all his strength into his hand and wrapped the said hand around Yugi's shoulders to stop him. "Wait," he murmured, leaning his cheek against Yugi's shoulder, trying to ignore how weakness travelled up his hand, soon to drain it from what little energy it had.

"Atemu?" Yugi asked quietly.

'We need to talk about this. We avoid too many things already, we need to… face it. Before I get too tired to face it,' Atemu thought grimly. "I'm getting weaker, aren't I?" he closed his eyes, knowing that it would be easier say it like this, close but without seeing Yugi's face. "I sleep more than I did in the beginning but I don't feel rested. I only eat because I force myself to, not because I'm hungry. I'm constantly cold… I'm getting weaker."

"Atemu…" his Aibou whispered thickly, warping his arms tightly around him. "Don't talk like that."

"When did we turn into cowards, Yugi?" Atemu whispered back. "Once we could face everything and never be afraid, but now we're just… The problem is there, the danger is there, but we never talk about it. We need to face it… while we can."

"Atemu, please don't," Yugi whimpered now, pressing his face tightly against Atemu's neck.

"You know it's coming…" Atemu swallowed down the bitterness, trying to hold back the tears. "You know it's only a matter of time. This body was poor to begin with, it's only getting weaker each day. You know, sooner or later…" he took a deep breath, blinking few times in hopes of drying his eyes. "I need you to promise me that…"

Yugi held onto him stronger. "No!"

"Aibou, please!" Atemu said with a little bit stronger and little bit weaker voice. "You need to promise so that I can go in peace. You need to go on. Live on. Without me."

"I can't, I won't," Yugi sobbed against his shoulders - for the first time in months, he was weaker than Atemu.

"You must," Atemu whispered. "Promise me Aibou. I don't know how much time I have left in me. In a way I hope that it will be years, in a way I hope that it won't be long at all. This life is exhausting, Aibou… I'm so tired. And when I go to sleep I need to know that the morning will be a bit better. I need to know that you still live. I need to know, that…"

Yugi sniffled. "That I will live on alone and utterly miserable?" he asked with bitter voice. "Don't make me promise this, Atemu… please…"

"Promise me… that you will live, that you will spend time with our friends…" Atemu swallowed. He couldn't ask Yugi to fall in love with another. He was too selfish to asks that. He wasn't sure if he could bear the thought of Yugi loving another. "Promise you will smile and laugh… and be happy."

"I won't. I'll never be happy without you. You know I won't be."

"Promise me you'll try," Atemu said sternly. "Promise me!"

Yugi cried against his shoulder. "I can't deny you like this," he whimpered. "I… I promise. Damn you, I promise."

Atemu smiled, breathing out the breath that had been choking his throat. He tilted his head to kiss Yugi's neck. "I love you so much, Aibou. Thank you…"

Yugi sniffled in answer before gently laying him down to the mattress. Then, to Atemu's surprise, he laid down beside him, pulling the covers over both of them before curling to Atemu's side. "Is it bad?" he asked after a while, after drying his face to the covers and steadying his breathing. "You always say that you're fine, but… you aren't. how bad is it?"

Atemu sighed, leaning his head against Yugi's. "I'm tired all the time," he answered. "Trying to move… it hurts a little and makes me even weaker. My head hurts because I sleep too much, but I still want to sleep more… I feel heavy, so… heavy…"

Yugi sniffled quietly, raising his hand to turn Atemu's head a little. Then, for the first time in days, he kissed Atemu on the lips. The kiss was careful, gentle and in a way shallow. Nothing like the kisses they had shared in the beginning when they had thought that Atemu was only temporarily weak and would get stronger in no time. "I wish I could help," Yugi murmured after the kiss, gently stroking Atemu's face. "I wish I could make it better."

Atemu smiled sadly. 'I guess the dam finally broke. We can talk again,' he mused. "You've helped me so much already," he whispered, leaning his forehead against Yugi's. "You've helped me with everything during this… ordeal. You've done your best. Sometimes it's just not enough."

"I don't want you to go," Yugi whispered, his eyes watering.

"It's not a bad thing, Aibou. When the time comes, I won't… I won't be in pain anymore, I won't be so weak," Atemu closed his eyes, tears trailing down his cheeks only to be kissed away by Yugi's gentle lips. "And then I'll be waiting for you," he continued. "Watching over you. Waiting for the time it'll be your turn… it's alright, Aibou. Everyone dies some time, and I've overstayed my welcome for thousands of years already."

Yugi sniffled and nodded, kissing his lips gently again. At the end of the kiss, Atemu coughed quietly. "My throat is getting dry," he murmured. He hadn't talked so much in days.

"I'll…" Yugi hesitated before exhaling. "I'll get you something to drink…" He wiggled out of the bed and stood up. Covering Atemu in the duvets again, he smiled briefly and walked out of the room. Atemu smiled after him, closing his eyes and relaxing. 'Now we've said all we need to say,' he thought to himself and for some reason… the thought wasn't bitter at all.

-

Yugi walked to the kitchen with slow, unhurried steps, weighing his thoughts carefully, weighing Atemu's thoughts even more carefully. The pain and weakness was enough as it was, but Atemu was getting more tired every day. Of course he had known it, but hearing it from Atemu's lips was different. It took something special to make his other self admit something like that.

'Each moment he lives exhausts him. Now he's just waiting for the time he passes on,' Yugi thought, wiping his face in attempt to stop the tears from falling. 'I knew it. he was never supposed to stay in the first place. If I had let him go, he wouldn't need to go through this… this slow, painful death. He should die painlessly and with dignity, not like this. He should've gone through already, but instead…'

He wiped his eyes quickly. 'There's still time. But time for what? For more agony for him, for more pain? Time for more goodbyes and bitter farewells. What do those mean anyway, goodbyes? Death is more personal than that, it's not a planned parting. Bye bye until we see again, no… nothing like that.'

'Atemu doesn't deserve this…' Yugi sighed, glancing through the kitchen before settling his eyes on one cupboard. 'He… has waited long enough…'

Slowly, Yugi walked to the cupboard and opened it. Rummaging through the random things thrown there, he searched for one item he knew to be there. Crystal clear phial with colourless liquid inside. The bottle was nothing like medicine phials, but then again… it wasn't medicine. It was something he had gotten from Malik months ago after they had realised that Atemu wouldn't be getting better.

'I don't know why I didn't throw this thing away…' Yugi smiled mirthlessly, closing is hand over the small bottle. 'I guess Malik and the other Ishtals knew what was happening. That Atemu was here only to live through a slow painful death…'

He had thought about the phial before, but had never touched it since it had been given to him. Now though… now he understood better, now he knew. Sometimes the most horrible thing could be the most merciful. With a deep breath, he turned to the kitchen counter, getting a glass and pouring some water into it. Then, with a shaking hand, he took the glass stopper off the phial and poured the clear liquid into the water. After stirring the water to mix the liquids, he left the phial to the counter before walking back to his room with the water.

Atemu was resting in the bed with his eyes closed and small smile on his lips when Yugi returned to the bedroom. At the door Yugi hesitated, because at that moment his other self looked like he was actually a little happy. That smile was the kind which had been missing for so long, and Yugi wasn't sure if he could end it here… but then he thought about it from another angle. This moment couldn't last. Atemu could be happy for a moment, but the weakness, the pain, the exhaustion would return soon…

'He made his peace, with me, with himself, with… with what's coming… This is the moment. Not later when this moment has been ruined by another bout of pain.' Yugi took a deep breath, smiled, and walked to the bed. "Tired?" He asked while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Atemu opened his eyes. "A little," he admitted without letting the smile go. "But I don't fear it now."

Yugi blinked back the tears, allowing his smile widen. "That's good," he murmured, but the words sounded tight and choked. "I brought you water."

"Please…"

Nodding, Yugi carefully helped Atemu into a sitting position against the wall, pushing pillows behind Atemu's back to support him. After a moment of hesitation, Yugi picked up the water glass and carefully supported Atemu's head while helping him drink. Half of the glass was emptied before Atemu tired and made a sound to make Yugi lower it. Quickly the teen placed the glass back to the bedside table… and was overcome with the realization of what he had just done.

Unknowing, Atemu smiled thankfully to him even as Yugi's eyes watered. "Yugi?" the former spirit asked quietly as the teen begun shaking. "Yugi, what's wrong?"

Yugi raised his head, tears trailing down his cheeks. "Atemu, I… I poisoned you," he whispered, his breath hitching. "Malik gave it to me when… when we realised you wouldn't get better, he said that… before it would get too painful… god, I'm so sorry, Atemu…" he began sobbing without even bothering to wipe the tears away or hide his face. "I love you so much, I can't stand seeing you like this, and… like this it will be painless… and quicker…"

"Yugi," Atemu spoke softly, stopping him. To the teen's surprise, he smiled. "Aibou, it's alright…"

"I'm sorry," Yugi cried, shifting closer, pressing his forehead against Atemu's to be as close as he could, to make sure that Atemu wouldn't die alone. Praying that Atemu wouldn't hate him. "I love you so much, my other self, so much it hurts… I can't… I'm so sorry…"

"It's alright," Atemu spoke again, sighing and closing his eyes. "I love you too. Thank you, Aibou… thank you…" he smiled and to Yugi's surprise brought his hands up slowly. The teen almost whimpered when the weak arms enclosed him in a weak hug, steadily gripping a stronger hold of him. "Thank you," Atemu repeated in whisper. He seemed almost relieved.

'It's not alright… I killed you.' Teary Yugi held his most loved one and cried harder as he quickly got weaker. Atemu leaned his forehead against Yugi's, staring deep into his Aibou's eyes… and smiled, whispering his gratitude and love over and over. His final breath was a shuddering inhale which slowly escaped his lips as his eyes finally closed for eternal rest. Yugi wept, cradling his body in his arms, whispering words of love and apology.

"I'm sorry, I love you… I love you more than I could ever say," Yugi whispered, gently kissing Atemu's cooling lips for the final time before letting his dead soul mate finally go. Trailing his fingers over the now peaceful face, Yugi already missed Atemu's eyes, his smile, his voice - he already missed Atemu. For a moment he was overcome with a terrible need to deny it, to say that Atemu was only asleep… but he knew better. His other self looked far too peaceful for sleep anyway. Far too fragile.

'I killed him. I killed the person I love the most…' Yugi smiled a tearstained smile and sniffled. He pulled back and wiped his face. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered, slowly releasing the other's body even though it wasn't a easy task. After spending a long moment staring at the other, he withdrew from the bed. Then, with a sorrowful smile, he reached for the water glass.

--

I've read and written many fics where Yami/Atemu remained on earth instead of moving on in the end, and usually he somehow gains a body and everything is perfect. This is my way of making something else out of the thought, something angsty and tragic because I really needed to write something angsty and tragic. I rather like how it turned out. Cody Thomas helped me great deal with this, so thanks to Cody. Cody also proof read this, so hopefully there won't be any mistakes or grammar errors.

edit 10. 16. 2008: changed the ending because it bothered me.


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